I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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