No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
