He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
