Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
