Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
