I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Randomize
