I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
