No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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