I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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