I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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