She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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