I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
