i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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