so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
