did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
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why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
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But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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