The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize