Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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