Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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