Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
