I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
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