Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He passed out mid-signature
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
