remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
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I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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