I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
