i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My bed smells like the plague
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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