I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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