if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
