your parents love me but you hate me
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I would ride that face into the sunset
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
