so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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