are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
