The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
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She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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