I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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