I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
