I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
