First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
