Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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