Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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