You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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