I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
