No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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