Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
