we have pet lesbian snakes
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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