I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize