The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
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The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
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She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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