Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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