someone get that fucking seahorse.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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