I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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