She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
