my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
