half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i believe in u and ur pee
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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