We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
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