I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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