Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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