I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
