And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
