you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
