Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
