The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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